Saturday Night Ride

Scenario: you're hosting a party. But not just any party. This is the one where you you invite a group of 10 or more pals to a multi-destination crawl on a Saturday night. A show. Dinner. Dance club. And a whole lot of drinking throughout. But if you're going to get pathetically smashed and no one is fool enough to be a designated driver, you've got a problem.

Enter the "Party Bus". This little baby is a dream come true. Stay with me, now. No meeting up at a common destination, no carpooling, no parking, a ride at your beck and call if compelled to bar hop from one sad hipster hang to another. Convenient. Apparently, whoever came up with the concept was inspired but indecisive, as these vehicles are also known as a party ride, limo bus, party van, or luxury bus. I won't go into a visual description because you've already seen them. Often times, they are luxury makes that have been turned into extra, extra long versions of themselves. It's the same model but on steroids. The eye-candy quotient of these vehicles is guaranteed to bump up your Saturday night fever into chills and cold sweats. This is the perfect time to have the driver play your digitally remastered "Bee-Gees: Their Greatest Hits". Skip "New York Mining Disaster 1941". Buzzkill.

I find the mechanics of hosting events stressful, which is probably why I don't do it. But after coming across this, I'm sold. Seriously. And that was even before I came across a more detailed description of what these babies are like on the inside. It is a self-contained Shambala. According to an online description...

"Party buses usually offer a wide range of amenities, including sound system, laser lights, dance floors, dance poles, luxury seating and more...knowing what you want to do will help decide whether to rent a party bus with or without a dance floor or pole."

I'm not in. I'm all in. 

Romance Insights From Adult Video (love and sex)

     1. Women insist on wearing high-heels...to bed.

     2. Men insist on bringing their video cameras...to bed.
 
     3. The sweet dance of intimacy has been replaced by twerking.
 
     4. The easiest way to get lucky is by inviting someone over for a “modeling session”.
 
     5. Women are irresistibly attracted to men that clean their swimming pools or deliver pizza.
 
     6. Personal fulfillment is only a second nose job away.
 
     7.  Massage therapy inevitably leads to a license violation.
 
     8. Women dress like transvestites, men dress like 1998.
 
     9. Out: old-fangled “lovemaking”. 
 
     10. In: carnival of depravity.

Uncensored Excerpt: Teaser Of Sizzling New Vampyre Tale

I was consulting for a terrific online service that acts as a conduit between models and their agents. The VP and his eager, new Marketing Manager were giving promotional materials a complete facelift. They were kind enough to solicit my feedback. I went through and did some touching up on content; wording, organization, and how it all framed a new image. The only real point the three of us debated were the choice of accompanying pictures. One high-fashion model shot, in particular, bothered the hell out of me. In my feedback notes, I included the brief tale that such a picture would surely conjure in the mind of prospective clients:

"Nosferatu the Vampyre woke from an uneasy slumber. Boney Luv, his latest emaciated and subservient succubus, stood over his fetid casket. "My Lord," she whispered "I have dutifully completed my modeling course at John Casablancas." "Excellent, excellent!!!" the dark god hissed. "During 'Remedial Posing 101'" she continued, "I learned how to throw T2 and T3 out of wack and hyper-extend my Anaconda-like neck. And now, Dark One, I give it to you as a supplicant's offering." Nosferatu the Vampire bit hungrily, only to find the taste of fen-phen running through her veins..."

Uncensored Photo: Larry King "Below The Belt"

We've always known Larry King from "the desk" up. Beautifully pressed dress shirt, glimmering cuff links, romantic suspenders, and a tie of finest silk. King, despite shameless ass-kissing and wandering interviews that frequently veered towards a ditch, never leveraged his considerable male brioso in bedding gorgeous guests. But with his retirement imminent and Olivia Newton-John nearby, King recently threw caution to the wind. Sowing his wild oats anew, the sultry senior citizen revealed what rapt viewers had always fantasized about. What does Larry King have below the belt?

A pair of jeans with whiskers from T.J. Max.