I Heart Spam

Read your spam. For the modern man, there is no point in downloading the Tinder app, signing up for match.com, joining It's Just Lunch, or asking a buddy to introduce you to his really cute sister. There are abundant opportunities for  love ready to break down the door; it's just a matter of knowing where to look. And your email spam folder is where it's at. As evinced by the recent subject lines of my current batch, a world of excitement awaits. Said subject lines are abnormally long but it's a small price to pay for their creative value. What follows is a sampling of them - spelling mistakes and all - along with my reactions:

There is something exhilarating in my goblet and my tongue is on the loose
(That is exhilarating.)

Didn't you feel movement in your pants for some time?
(#petweasel)

Once I found the film my parents were hiding in the shelf.
(It was probably shot on VHS.)
  
You looks like my ex.
(You looks like my ex, too. And that's not a compliment)

I love man to be powerful and rude
(You're in luck.)

Where did you put my underwear?
(On my head.)

You will answer me or I will leave.
(Don't let the door hit your a** on the way out.)

Romance Insights From Adult Video (love and sex)

     1. Women insist on wearing high-heels...to bed.

     2. Men insist on bringing their video cameras...to bed.
 
     3. The sweet dance of intimacy has been replaced by twerking.
 
     4. The easiest way to get lucky is by inviting someone over for a “modeling session”.
 
     5. Women are irresistibly attracted to men that clean their swimming pools or deliver pizza.
 
     6. Personal fulfillment is only a second nose job away.
 
     7.  Massage therapy inevitably leads to a license violation.
 
     8. Women dress like transvestites, men dress like 1998.
 
     9. Out: old-fangled “lovemaking”. 
 
     10. In: carnival of depravity.

A Dirty Girl To Show Me The Ropes

I.
I.
How to take it
To see an old lover?

I've lived long enough
Been single strong enough
To come across those I loved
Who didn't love me back;
Now with children,
Pretentious husband,
And reading the Bible a lot

II.
I was a newly graduated sixteen year-old
Whose first double date
Was also his first date.
She was a short-shorts,
Tall statured,
Buxom girl who would be a junior
Once this fragile summer was over.

Thank God my buddy had his driver's permit
Or we never would have made it out of
A town of 1,500
Into the cultural Mecca of Duluth
To dine at that shitty Mexican place
I'm sorry they boarded up long ago.

Driving back from Park Point
Where I -
It can only be described as "executed" -
My first kiss,
I was shaken.

I called to mind what the guy in "Blue Lagoon"
Did to Brooke Shields.
But something was off
Because the force behind my gnashing lips
Kept pushing her head back.
"One more for the road"
I said very cleverly before it was time to go.

After dropping off his girl,
The three of us were making our way back home to Moose Lake.
She suddenly became giddy
And boasted how a classmate once yelled at her
"Hey Lisa!
I wanna fuck your pussy!"
She said it with such relish,
Laughing hysterically thereafter,
That I just wanted to
Shrink and disappear;
Never to be recognized
As someone fool enough
To be seen with such an embarrassing whore.

III.
She has four kids,
Is happily married
And refers to her children as
"A gift from God".
I don't know where this tenderness came from
But I wish it had been around when I knew her.
Or at least I wish she were newly divorced;
I longed to place my hand on the small of her back,
Bring her close,
And make right a kiss.

Even if she had been
1985's picture of ladyhood and softness,
It never would have lasted.
Back then, I needed
A dirty girl to show me the ropes.
Little did I know
That far too many
Would bind my heart with them instead.

IV.
The greatest thing about being alone
Is that you can't be hurt.
The worst thing about being alone
Is that you hurt anyway.