The Life Coach: Time To Beef Up A Chequered Profession?

I see both opportunity and pitfall in the profession of coaching, particularly as it applies to the "Life Coach" variety. On one hand, a life coach has the potential to guide a client in a very specific, forward moving, pragmatic approach. There is focus, there is a clearly defined issue, goal timetable, and an emphasis on taking action.

But in the same way that psychotherapy - in its most mediocre practice - can become an ongoing analytical fishing expedition between one's past, one's behavior, one's "issues", and an elusive discovery that will make a happy life coalesce from it all, life coaching can lack the finesse, depth, and education that a therapist brings to the game. For example, a life coach may help a client leave his old job and get a better one. But the underlying issue may remain. The client may have more constitutional issues around self-esteem, self-efficacy, or even self-sabotage that he carries from position to position. And, as a result, the same work-place themes and dissatisfaction reemerge; time and time again. It might be likened to the difference between managing an issue and changing one's circumstances - even if for the very better - without really healing what is core. A life coach who integrates NLP into their practice may use its world-famous five minute "phobia cure" successfully on a patient. But if another patient's phobia co-exists with PTSD, should that life coach even start fiddling in that area?

Both therapy and coaching have their rightful place. What concerns me is when they are thought of interchangeably by the client/patient/consumer. What concerns me is when a life coach who has paid three thousand dollars for a nine month program believes that he is a more effective version of the "spendy and laconic" therapist. And pitches himself that way, either through promotional material or in how they present their work in person. The reverse also applies. One look through the therapist referral website, PsychologyToday.com, shows that therapists without that nine month program can list "Coaching" as a therapeutic modality with the simple check of a box when setting up their profile. 

Part of the difficulty is that there has yet to be a single, globally respected (or, in the United States, even nationally respected) governing/licensing/overseeing body. What are the widely accepted - and expected! - best practices? What ongoing education should be mandated? Is it kosher for me to channel my "spirit guides" as part of a session? Can I sleep with a client one night and then guide them in leaving their marriage the next? What are the parameters? If a boundary is crossed, where does the client go? How am I held accountable to certain professional standards? 

The emerging specialty of life coaching is exciting...but also dangerous in a wild, wild west kind of way. When there's no sheriff - or town mayor! - to keep someone in check, it's a free for all; filled with a new breed of professionals who want to serve others with cutting-edge technologies on one end of town. And, on the other, fakers who graduated from a certificate-mill who shouldn't be let anywhere near sharp objects.

It's in that spirit that I feel Life Coaching would be well-served as a college major that fused the disciplines of psychology, philosophy, communications, and perhaps even spirituality. If a four-year degree were required, there could be a) greater standardization, b) training of greater quality and quantity, while c) not requiring a course of study as long or as intense as that needed to practice therapy in most U.S. states; a key incentive behind training to be a life coach in the first place. 

It would still be longer than the nine month program I alluded to. And a lot, lot longer than the "Become a life coach in a weekend!" ad that is even more common.

I Humble Myself

Every time I walk in, the greatest exercise I can do at the gym is to humble myself.

Within the telltale free-weights section of the club are men who are stronger, younger, or more handsome than me. I set it all aside as best as I can. And when I reach for a weight to lift, I prioritize my form above all else. What this means is that there are fellows curling 35 or 45 pounds dumbbells. Somewhere on the floor, you'll see me lifting 15 pounds. I humble myself before the weight. This gives me the latitude to do  the exercise correctly. This process has been a remarkable way of learning to set aside ego, the impulse to compare, and the need to compete. Rather than just talking big about self-determination, I am actively following my own path.

In all fairness, I do not mean to present an "either/or" strength training paradigm. It's not a matter of lifting a big weight or lifting the weight correctly. There is surely a middle ground to be had. It's not the murky gray of ambiguity or compromise. Rather, it is a shimmering graphite; the revered "moderation" of the Greeks. In this case, it takes the form of me choosing lighter exercise over no exercise, keeping a flexible and enjoyable routine,  and a patient progression of increased weight rather than a punishing "Biggest Loser" program.

One of the most remarkable aspects of lifting light weights is the strength that I derive from it; not just physically but in terms of my personal character. Physically, because I pace each movement with correct form, posture, and breath (when I remember), I am able to create a very satisfying burn and contraction. I am in excellent control of the weight and, therefore, find that I can target the primary muscle group very effectively. I'm not using swinging or momentum to lift the weight. I'm not lifting it to simply complete the rep and then quickly descending on the negative movement. And I don't "relax" my muscle at the end of the repetition. Because I maintain steady tension throughout, the process a pleasure of focus and efficacy.

Personally, this process has developed inner-strength because it requires me to define myself beyond how I rank in comparison to other men. Mind you, I'm not lifting these light weights to be a rebel; I wouldn't be humbling myself if I were in "rebel mode". I'm lifting them because they are the lower end of the weights I can lift at my current strength level. Nevertheless, that strength has grown slowly and steadily every time I exercise. And that's a key point; my non-egoic pride is in just showing up and doing my best. It makes it easy to choose a spot in front of the mirror, take up the space I need to do my work, and feel that I belong there; regardless of the number etched into the side of the weight.

For me, life is a journey in which my ego is challenged, debunked, and destroyed. This dynamic may be  necessary in order for an authentic self to emerge, rather than one based on pretense, insecurity, inherited values, or ancestral themes. Going to the gym is one way to develop an "internal bedrock" through the practice of balance. Although we are all born into bodies, I'm betting personal character must first take shape and solidify before we can really inhabit the world with clarity and ease.

Exorcising Your Ghost Lovers

I define a Ghost Lover as a romantic partner from your past; one that you allow to haunt your mindspace long after the goodbye. This is typically wrapped up in revisionist history. The raw facts get an idealistic make-over that incite longing, nostalgia, what-ifs,and sweet remembrances. Conveniently, any memories of serious incompatibility or unhealthy relationship crapola (a clinical term) are no where to be found. It's an expensive and depleting pursuit because the energy of one's thoughts and feelings are reallocated towards yesterday, depleting the ability to manifest a far better relationship in the here and now.

We live in a media society that loves to dispense simplistic pop psychology (perhaps to counter our simplistic pop culture with "depth".) You've likely seen a five-minute, "Letting Go" segment on Dr, Phil, Dr. Laura, or Dr. 90210. The point here is that many of us may already know that a little ghost busting may be in order. However, awareness is not enough: effective action is what's really needed here.

Anyone who wants simple, effective strategies for pulling out the holy water on their love demons should head over to Beliefnet.com. There, writer Laura Oliver assembles a terrific short-list of effective recommendations. Even those that seem pop-psy predictable have innovative and effective twists to them. The article, entitled "How To Let Go Of Past Loves" is terrific: a quick read of doable actions. And that makes Oliver's piece and Beliefnet.com this month's "Best of the Net".