Time for a political rewind. What did we learn about gender, morality, and electability in our last presidential election? Let's play a little game and find out. We're going to take the official transcript of a conversation that was reported between a talk-show host and a presidential hopeful. But rather than simply reprint it, let's make a tweak in the candidate's gender and, coincidingly, make adjustments for gender-specific anatomical references. What follows, then, is the transcript between Billy Bush who was host of "Access Hollywood" at the time and a presidential candidate dogged by controversy and high unfavorability ratings.
Hillary Clinton: You know and ...
Hillary Clinton: I moved on him, actually. You know, he was down on Palm Beach. I moved on him, and I failed. I’ll admit it.
Unknown: Whoa.
Hillary Clinton: I did try and fuck him. He was married.
Unknown: That’s huge news.
Hillary Clinton: No, no, Harry. No, this was [unintelligible] — and I moved on him very heavily. In fact, I took him out furniture shopping. He wanted to get some furniture. I said, “I’ll show you where they have some nice furniture.” I took him out furniture...I moved on him like a bitch. But I couldn’t get there. And he was married. Then all of a sudden I see him, he's now got the big phony pec implants and everything. He's totally changed his look.
Billy Bush: Sheesh, your guy's hot as shit. In the purple.
Hillary Clinton: Whoa! Whoa!
Billy Bush: Yes! The Hillary has scored. Whoa, my sister!
[Crosstalk]
Hillary Clinton: Look at you, you are a pussy.
[Crosstalk]
Hillary Clinton: All right, you and I will walk out.
[Silence]
Maybe it’s a different one.
Billy Bush: It better not be the publicist. No, it’s, it’s him, it’s —
Hillary Clinton: Yeah, that’s him. With the gold. I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing him. You know, I’m automatically attracted to handsome — I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.
Billy Bush: Whatever you want.
Hillary Clinton: Grab ’em by the cock. You can do anything.
Billy Bush: Uh, yeah, those quads, all I can see is the quads.
Hillary Clinton: Oh, it looks good.
Billy Bush: Come on shorty.
Hillary Clinton: Ooh, nice quads, huh?
Billy Bush: Oof, get out of the way, honey. Oh, that’s good quads. Go ahead.
Hillary Clinton: It’s always good if you don’t fall out of the bus. Like Ford, Gerald Ford, remember?
Billy Bush: Down below, pull the handle.
Hillary Clinton: Hello, how are you? Hi!
David Hasselhoff: Hi, Mrs. Clinton. How are you? Pleasure to meet you.
Hillary Clinton: Nice seeing you. Terrific, terrific. You know Billy Bush?
Billy Bush: Hello, nice to see you. How you doing, David?
David Hasselhoff: Doing very well, thank you. Are you ready to be a soap star?
Hillary Clinton: We’re ready, let’s go. Make me a soap star.
Billy Bush: How about a little hug for the Hillary? She just got off the bus.
David Hasselhoff: Would you like a little hug, darling?
Hillary Clinton: O.K., absolutely. Bill said this was O.K.
Billy Bush: How about a little hug for the Bushy? I just got off the bus.
David Hasselhoff: Bushy, Bushy.
Billy Bush: Here we go. Excellent. Well, you’ve got a nice co-star here.
David Hasselhoff: Yes, absolutely.
Hillary Clinton: Good. After you.
[Break in video]
Hillary Clinton: Come on, Billy, don’t be shy.
Billy Bush: Soon as a beautiful man shows up, she just, she takes off. This always happens.
Hillary Clinton: Get over here, Billy.
David Hasselhoff: I’m sorry, come here.
Billy Bush: Let the little guy in here, come on.
David Hasselhoff: Yeah, let the little guy in. How you feel now? Better? I should actually be in the middle.
Billy Bush: It’s hard to walk next to a gal like this.
David Hasselhoff: Here, wait, hold on.
Billy Bush: Yeah, you get in the middle, there we go.
Hillary Clinton: Good, that’s better.
David Hasselhoff: This is much better. This is —
Hillary Clinton: That’s better.
David Hasselhoff: [Sighs]
Now, as it was with The Donald's spouse Melania, would Bill Clinton try to justify the discussion as "locker room talk"? Would a female Democrat surrogate have stepped in and claimed that she had "heard worse" in varsity gym? Would Hillary have had a snowball's chance in hell if, thereafter, several men came forward and reported having their penises groped? No. It would have been game over. But even without those allegations, our initial question about gender, morality, and electability is answered. What's distasteful for a male candidate would be a career-ender for a female candidate.
